Relationship Advice from Love Psychology: Communication, Healing, and Growth for Stronger Connections
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"Anyone who has loved has also known heartbreak."
Most of us have experienced a breakup at some point. Yet, when it comes to saying goodbye to an ex who once shared a significant part of our journey, letting go is rarely easy. So, should you stay friends with your ex, or would it only prolong the heartbreak? In this article, we explore the psychology behind breakups and why some people choose to remain friends afterwards. If you find yourself in a similar situation, how should you approach it? And does staying friends secretly mean you want to get back to your ex?
Whether or not to maintain a friendship with an ex is a deeply personal choice, influenced by emotional needs, practical considerations, and social dynamics (Griffith et al., 2017). Here are some of the most common reasons why people choose to stay connected with an ex:
One of the main reasons people stay friends with an ex is security. Romantic relationships often provide a sense of emotional support and stability. After a breakup, if you still seek that comfort from your ex, it could indicate a deep-rooted need for security. Maintaining contact can feel familiar and reassuring, particularly if other sources of emotional support are lacking.
However, clinging to this security might prevent you from fully moving on from your ex. It’s important to reflect—are you staying friends out of genuine respect and goodwill, or because you secretly hope to get back to your ex and avoid the heartbreak of complete separation?
Another reason people maintain ties with their ex is practicality. Relationships create interwoven lives—shared possessions, financial entanglements, or even co-parenting responsibilities. In such cases, keeping a civil relationship with your ex might simply make life easier.
This isn’t limited to dating but extends to marriage and long-term partnerships. When children, property, or financial matters are involved, maintaining an amicable relationship with your ex is often necessary. In these scenarios, staying friendly isn’t about lingering romantic feelings or trying to get back to your ex, but rather about navigating the realities left behind.
Civility is another reason people stay friends with their ex. Perhaps you met through university, work, or a mutual friend group. If cutting ties with your ex would create awkwardness or tension in your shared social circles, it might feel easier to maintain a friendly dynamic.
When ex-partners continue to see each other in professional or social settings, completely avoiding one another can be impractical. In such cases, a cordial friendship with your ex may be the best way to maintain harmony and reduce unnecessary discomfort.
For some, staying friends with an ex isn’t just about emotions—it’s about unresolved romantic desires.
This could manifest as lingering attraction, emotional intimacy, or even a friends-with-benefits arrangement. While these dynamics might seem convenient in the short term, they can complicate emotional recovery, making it harder to truly move on from your ex.
On the surface, it may appear as a friendship, but if deep down it’s driven by romantic or physical longing, it’s worth questioning whether this arrangement is truly beneficial after experiencing problems like infidelity—or if it’s simply a way of attempting to get back to your ex without fully acknowledging it.
Now that we’ve explored the reasons why people stay friends with an ex after a breakup, the next question is: should you? The answer, unsurprisingly, is: it depends.
Research suggests that maintaining friendships with an ex has both benefits and drawbacks (Bullock et al., 2011). One potential downside is jealousy—either your own or your future partner’s. Another is that ex-partners often provide less emotional fulfilment than other friendships, as past romantic history makes the dynamic more complex. And perhaps most significantly, staying friends might keep you emotionally tied to your ex, making it harder to truly heal from the heartbreak and move on.
Ultimately, the decision should be made with careful self-reflection and honesty. Here are four questions to help you determine whether staying friends with your ex is the right choice:
Ask yourself: why do you want to stay friends with your ex? Is it because you genuinely care for them and value their presence in your life? Or is it because you fear loneliness, struggle with closure, or secretly hope to get back to your ex?
If the connection is rooted in unresolved emotions or attachment, maintaining contact with your ex might only prolong the heartbreak and delay your healing process or establish a new healthy relationship.
Friendships thrive on mutual respect and clear boundaries. Consider:
If the answer to either question is no, maintaining distance might be healthier for your emotional well-being and help you fully move past the heartbreak.
If your relationship with your ex ended due to repeated conflicts, trust issues, or toxic patterns, continuing a friendship could be emotionally draining or even harmful. However, if you both parted amicably and can interact maturely, staying friends with your ex might be possible—but should still be approached with caution.
If you choose to remain friends with your ex, be clear about what that means:
Having clear boundaries helps prevent misunderstandings, false hope, and unnecessary heartbreak.
Getting over a breakup with your ex and healing from a heartbreak are crucial steps toward healing and finding happiness again. MindForest, an innovative AI app, offers personalized tools designed to support you and build emotional strength and clarity.
These courses help you develop greater self-awareness and emotional resilience. You’ll be better equipped to move on and embrace a healthier future.
MindForest’s AI mentor offers personalised advice and emotional support tailored to your emotional journey. Whether you need guidance on processing your relationship with your ex or practical tips on how to let go of the past, the AI mentor is there to help you.
This feature allows you to record your feelings, daily thoughts, and experiences related to the breakup with your ex. Journaling fosters deeper reflection and helps you track your emotional progress, making it easier to heal.
By using MindForest, you’ll gain the essential tools to heal from a breakup with your ex and build the resilience needed to move on with confidence, setting the stage for new beginnings and healthy relationships in the future.
Staying friends with an ex isn’t inherently right or wrong—it’s about what works best for your emotional well-being. The key is to be honest with yourself, assess your motivations, and prioritise your personal growth. Sometimes, the healthiest choice isn’t to stay friends, but to truly let go, heal from the heartbreak, and move forward without the temptation to get back to your ex.
References
Bullock, M., Hackathorn, J., Clark, E. M., & Mattingly, B. A. (2011). Can we be (and stay) friends? Remaining friends after dissolution of a romantic relationship. The Journal of social psychology, 151(5), 662-666.
Griffith, R. L., Gillath, O., Zhao, X., & Martinez, R. (2017). Staying friends with ex‐romantic partners: Predictors, reasons, and outcomes. Personal Relationships, 24(3), 550-584.
