4 Types of Emotional Blackmail: Protect Yourself from Toxic People

Have you ever experienced, emotional blackmail from toxic people? Many of us may have gone through this difficult situation. Here is an example:

Sarah, a dedicated employee, often sacrifices her time to handle extra tasks. Her manager, Mark, frequently uses emotional blackmail to exploit her commitment. One evening, just as Sarah is preparing to leave for her son's school play, Mark approaches her with an urgent project. "If you don't stay late to finish this," he says, "our team will miss the deadline, and everyone will suffer. I thought you cared about our success." Feeling immense guilt and fearing she’ll let her colleagues down, Sarah cancels her plans and stays late. Mark’s manipulation relies on her sense of obligation and fear of disappointing the team, making it challenging for her to set healthy boundaries.

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6 Signs of Emotional Blackmail by Toxic People

Emotional blackmail became popular after appearing in psychologist Susan Forward's book "Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You." She defines it as a repetitive and influential form of emotional manipulation where toxic people invoke the victim's fear, obligation, and guilt to threaten them with punishment or abandonment if they fail to meet the blackmailer's demands (Forward & Frazier, 1997). Forward also outlines a six-step cycle involved in emotional blackmail:

1. Demand
2. Resistance
3. Pressure
4. Threats
5. Compliance
6. Repetition

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4 Types of Emotional Blackmailers among Toxic People

After reading the example, you might wonder, "The blackmailer I encountered doesn't use the guilt card, so are they still emotionally blackmailing me?" Different toxic people have their own forms of emotional blackmail. Forward categorises blackmailers into four types:

1. Punishers: Their threats are the most obvious, conveying that if you don't meet their demands, there will be consequences, such as cutting off financial support or emotional connections. The threats can be active (direct threats), like saying, "If you don't help me, I'll report you to the manager!"; or passive (sulking and acting as if you don't exist). So, this type of blackmail most effectively triggers the victim's fear, leading to compliance.
2. Self-punishers: They turn the threat towards themselves, implying that if things don't go their way, they will suffer the consequences, such as a relapse of depression or self-harm. Self-punishers often need more care and are less responsible for their own lives. This type of blackmail invokes the victim's sense of responsibility and guilt, making them feel obliged to look after the blackmailer's well-being.
3. Sufferers: These individuals also blame the victim, making them feel guilty. They express their pain and hardship, and expect the victim to understand their needs. If the victim fulfils their demands, the sufferers will feel better. If the victim fails to understand or meet their requirements, they are considered not caring enough.
4. Tantalisers: These toxic people promise rewards for meeting their goals but fail to keep their promises, continuously demanding more from the victim. Gradually, the victim ends up doing more and more for the toxic people.

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5 Facts about Emotional Blackmail in Psychology

While emotional blackmail became popular after 1997, it existed long before that. Karnani and Zelman (2019) analysed emotional blackmail in romantic relationships, comparing it with related concepts and personality traits.

1. Emotional Blackmail vs. Emotional Manipulation: Both describe repetitive and transactional habits to achieve interpersonal goals. However, Forward and Frazier (1997) point out that emotional blackmail is inherently negative because it undermines the victim's self-esteem and autonomy through fear, obligation, and guilt.
2. Emotional blackmail and Enmeshment share similarities: Enmeshment describes a close relationship with blurred interpersonal and emotional boundaries and unclear individualities. Hann-Morrison (2012) suggests that enmeshment is rooted in manipulation and control, restricting emotional intimacy. While both weaken the victim's autonomy, emotional blackmail describes a specific communication mode, whereas enmeshment describes a relationship characteristic.
3. Machiavellianism: This involves conscious manipulation and exploitation for personal gain, related to emotional manipulation and psychopathy, but inversely related to enmeshment. Machiavellianism includes manipulative communication, akin to emotional blackmail. Toxic people often exhibit Machiavellian traits, making their manipulative tactics more harmful.
4. The "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse": Proposed by psychologist John Gottman, the four dysfunctional communication patterns are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, which predicts divorce and abuse in couples (Gottman et al., 1995). Karnani and Zelman (2019) note that both emotional blackmail and the Four Horsemen describe repetitive negative communication in couples, but emotional blackmail uniquely encompasses manipulation in all interpersonal relationships, especially when toxic people are involved.
5. Emotional abuse and intimate partner violence (IPV): These include coercion, harassment, silent treatment, threats, and punishing emotions for control and domination (Karnani & Zelman, 2019). Some scholars see emotional blackmail as a form of emotional abuse (Lammers et al., 2005), while others consider it moderately (O’Campo et al., 2015) to be highly related to IPV (Karnani & Zelman, 2019).

In conclusion, emotional blackmail by toxic people is closely related to other psychological concepts.

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2 Things to Consider about Emotional Blackmail

Now we know how toxic people use our fear, obligation, and guilt to meet their demands. We also recognise similar situations in many interpersonal relationships and scenarios. However, it's important to distinguish when others' demands are reasonable. For example, if you've been neglecting everything to play video games for a month and your mother asks you to turn off the computer and threatens to give it away, her motive is to get your life back on track, and you have ignored her requests. This is a reasonable demand.

Additionally, does this mean the blackmailer should solely bear all the blame? As the saying goes, "It takes two to tango." If we protect ourselves, distinguish between love, rightful responsibility, and excessive demands, and set boundaries that we firmly defend, we can prevent toxic people from using emotional blackmail to enter our lives.

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Download MindForest to Learn How to Deal with Emotional Blackmail and Toxic People

Dealing with emotional blackmail and toxic people requires strategies and self-awareness. MindForest is your essential digital tool, designed to guide you through this process with personalised support. Here’s how MindForest can help you manage emotional blackmail and toxic people:

1) AI Coach for Identifying Toxic Behaviours: Utilise the AI coach to recognise and understand toxic behaviours. By analysing your interactions and patterns, the AI coach provides customised advice to help you identify emotional blackmail and toxic people in your life, empowering you to take appropriate action.

2) Insight Journal for Reflecting on Emotional Experiences: The Insight Journal feature documents your emotional experiences and challenges through your conversation with AI, fostering a deeper understanding of your interactions with toxic people, helping you recognise patterns of emotional blackmail and develop strategies to protect your emotional well-being.

3) Goal-setting for Establishing Healthy Boundaries: Set and review achievable goals establish healthy boundaries, paving the way for healthier relationships and personal growth.
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Download MindForest now to navigate your emotional well-being, leveraging tailored guidance to deal with emotional blackmail and toxic people effectively.

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References

Forward, S., & Frazier, D. (1997). Emotional blackmail. Bantam.

Gottman, J., Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1995). Why marriages succeed or fail: And how you can make yours last. Simon and Schuster.

Karnani, S. R., & Zelman, D. C. (2019). Measurement of emotional blackmail in couple relationships in Hong Kong. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 8(3), 165–180. https://doi.org/10.1037/cfp0000126

Hann-Morrison, D. (2012). Maternal Enmeshment. SAGE Open, 2(4), 215824401247011. https://doi.org/10.1177/2158244012470115

Lammers, M., Ritchie, J., & Robertson, N. (2005). Women’s Experience of Emotional Abuse in Intimate Relationships. Journal of Emotional Abuse, 5(1), 29–64. https://doi.org/10.1300/j135v05n01_02

O’Campo, P., Smylie, J., Minh, A., Omand, M., & Cyriac, A. (2015). Conceptualizing acts and behaviours that comprise intimate partner violence: A concept map. Health Expectations, 18, 1968– 1981. http://dx.doi.org/10.1111/hex.12291

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