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Do you often agree to unreasonable demands at work, acting as a people-pleaser? Have you bought something unwanted because you couldn't say no, reflecting your people-pleaser tendencies? Or have you joined activities reluctantly to please others? If so, you're likely compromising your well-being. Being a people-pleaser can severely impact your workplace well-being. This article offers practical strategies to help you stop being a people-pleaser, empowering you to prioritise your own needs and significantly enhance your well-being in professional settings.
People pleasers habitually consider others before themselves, often putting their own needs last (Moore, 2024). Typically characterised by being friendly, approachable, and helpful, people pleasers struggle to advocate for themselves, leading to habitual self-neglect and self-sacrifice, appearing unprincipled and without boundaries.
This tendency to please is linked to sociotropy traits, where maintaining relationships excessively through pleasing others is a behaviour symptomatic of several psychological disorders:
The constant need to be a people-pleaser can severely impact one's well-being, as it often leads to stress and emotional exhaustion. Enhancing the well-being of people-pleasers involves learning to set healthy boundaries and prioritise their needs alongside those of others.
Understanding the eight traits of a people-pleaser provides insights into the challenges faced by individuals who struggle to assert themselves and prioritise their own well-being in relationships.
1) You find it hard to say no.
2) You often prioritise others' thoughts over your own.
3)You feel that voicing dissenting opinions might offend people.
4) Even if you disagree, you've pretended to agree before.
5) You are highly sensitive to others' reactions.
6) You crave approval and likability through agreement.
7) You frequently apologise.
8) You tend to blame yourself.
If you find yourself relating to multiple traits mentioned, it is likely that you possess a people-pleaser personality, where your tendency to prioritise others' needs and seek approval through agreement is prominent.
1) Low Self-Esteem
People-pleasers often disregard their needs, seeking validation through positive responses from others. Their acts of giving become a source of self-identity.
2) Lack of Sense of Security
Research suggests that people-pleaser behaviour stems from the pursuit of pleasure instincts, where pleasure comes from others’ approval and praise. For people-pleasers, such behaviour soothes their inner turmoil and rarely provokes negative responses from others. Repeatedly pleasing others becomes a habit, forming a predictable pattern that provides comfort and security, enhancing their well-being.
3) Past Negative Experiences
Those who have experienced bullying may try to avoid repeating unpleasant past experiences by becoming people-pleasers.
4) Influence of One’s Family of Origin
Growing up, some people-pleasers only received conditional love from their parents, such as recognition tied to academic success or behaviour that met parental expectations. This taught them that love is conditional, leading them to believe they must tirelessly meet others' needs to earn approval and recognition. Over time, this can become a part of their self-identity, deeply ingrained in their subconscious, impacting their well-being.
1) Loss of Boundaries, Lack of Personal Limits
Valuing others' feelings is an act of empathy, but if one constantly ignores their own needs, it inevitably leads to pushing back one's boundaries. This is a common trait in people-pleasers, who often find themselves subjected to psychological phenomena like the Foot-In-The-Door Effect (Freedman & Fraser, 1966). This effect illustrates that if a person agrees to a small request, they likely accept a bigger one later. In other words, if you never learn to refuse, you might end up agreeing to even more demanding requests without limit. For people-pleasers, this can severely impact their well-being as they stretch themselves too thin.
2) Negative Emotions
Long-term neglect of one's needs can accumulate feelings of resentment, frustration, depression, and irritability, particularly in people-pleasers. Even if you internally disagree with someone's ideas, going along with them while suppressing your needs can gradually increase dissatisfaction. For people-pleasers, this suppression of true feelings is a ticking time bomb, potentially leading to a major emotional outburst that could severely impact their well-being.
3) Relationship Problems
Hiding your true thoughts can prevent others from understanding the real you, a common issue for people-pleasers. Self-disclosure is a crucial component of building intimate relationships (Cozby, 1973). Blindly complying with others does not help close the distance between people; on the contrary, it can backfire, making others feel your insincerity. For people-pleasers, this pattern of behaviour can lead to strained relationships and decreased well-being, as genuine connections are crucial for emotional health.
To stop being a people-pleaser and reclaim your sense of self, consider these practical tips:
1) Practice Saying "No”
Begin with low-stakes situations by declining minor requests that don't align with your priorities or well-being. This helps build confidence in setting boundaries without overwhelming guilt, a crucial step for any people-pleaser looking to change.
2) Cultivate Self-Awareness
Reflect on the reasons behind your compulsion to please others. Understanding whether these reasons stem from childhood experiences or societal pressures can empower you to make conscious decisions that prioritise your well-being. This self-awareness is vital for a people-pleaser to start putting their own needs first.
3) Seek Feedback
Reach out to trusted friends or mentors for their perspectives. Their insights can help you recognise when you, as a people-pleaser, are compromising too much and encourage you to assert your own needs more firmly, thus enhancing your overall well-being.
By implementing these strategies, you'll gradually shift from people-pleasing behaviours to a healthier, more balanced approach to relationships, significantly improving your well-being.
MindForest is your specialised AI coach, designed to help you combat people-pleasing behaviours in your professional life for your well-being. Key features include:
1) Interactive Psychology Courses: Tailored to overcome people-pleasing, these courses enhance your resilience and well-being, teaching effective management of workplace demands.
2) AI Coaching for Assertiveness: Discuss workplace dynamics confidentially, gain strategies to assert boundaries and improve well-being, and reduce people-pleasing tendencies.
3) Reflective Insight Journaling: Personalized journals track your progress in overcoming people-pleasing, and fostering healthier professional relationships.
Download MindForest and empower yourself to prioritise your well-being and resist people-pleasing.
Recognising the traits of a people-pleaser is essential for your personal growth and well-being. By moving away from constant approval-seeking, you embrace a more authentic life. Setting boundaries isn't just about saying no; it's about respecting your values and prioritising your well-being. This shift can be daunting, but the rewards are immense. Start today to reduce people-pleasing behaviours, enhance your well-being, and live true to yourself. Embrace this journey towards assertiveness and see how it positively transforms your life, boosting your well-being at every step.
References
Cozby, P. C. (1973). Self-disclosure: A literature review. Psychological Bulletin, 79(2), 73–91.
Freedman, J. L., & Fraser, S. C. (1966). Compliance without pressure: The foot-in-the-door technique. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 4(2), 195–202.
Moore, M. (2024, March 27).*The Psychology Behind People Pleasing.*Retrieved from https://psychcentral.com/health/the-need-to-please-the-psychology-of-people-pleasing
